Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
