i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
