the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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