I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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