at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
