You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
