its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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