I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want her autograph on my taint
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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