I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
