sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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