you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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