I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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