I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
