In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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