my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
