This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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