He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
