So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
