Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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