matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
