the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
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I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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