I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.