have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
