Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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