fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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