I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
