thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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