I think I died a long time ago.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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