I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
