i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
