A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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