Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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