I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
