He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
