apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
