Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
