I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
