Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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