I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
