a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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