I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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