Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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