You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
