hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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