You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza