Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow