Tell her she can't have a vagina
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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