There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Randomize
