I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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