Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
