when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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