I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
