now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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