Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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