I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
