I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
